


Non-Existent  Combat Skills

by graceandfire



Series: Deadpool (mostly) Saves The Day [2]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Adorable Peter, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Deadpool being Deadpool, Deadpool commits suicide...again., Flashback to Uncle Ben's death, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Not Canon Compliant, Teenage Peter, traumatic memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-08-14 15:10:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20194306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graceandfire/pseuds/graceandfire
Summary: Wade decides it's time to test Spideykid's combat skills.This is a small sequel to my fic 'Spiderman has a Very Bad Night, Deadpool Comes to his Rescue and Does (Almost?) Everything Right' [henceforth referred to as ‘Deadpool Saves the Day’ because that title is way too long to keep typing].  It can be a standalone read as well.  Just know that Deadpool previously rescued Peter and now they're buds.Goes from fluff to angst and boomerangs back to fluff.**********************“Okay, first thing.” He bit back a grin as Peter instinctively straightened into a quasi military stance.{He’s so cute!}[Disgustingly so.]“Have you had any formal training?  Aikido at the Y? Maybe some boxing?  What’ve you had?”“Oh, uhm, I’ve watched some YouTube videos.”Wade stared at him.  “YouTube videos.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay, first thing.” He bit back a grin as Peter instinctively straightened into a quasi military stance.
> 
> _{He’s so cute!} _
> 
> _[Disgustingly so.]_
> 
> “Have you had any formal training? Aikido at the Y? Maybe some boxing? What’ve you had?”
> 
> “Oh, uhm, I’ve watched some YouTube videos.”
> 
> Wade stared at him. “YouTube videos.”

Wade figured the seedy warehouse space he’d found by the water was perfect to test the kid’s skills. It had high ceilings, an almost jungle gym like mess of shafts, poles and rafters and a good floor plan. And, hmm, rusty nails, he realized. Could Spideykid get tetanus? Shit, being a mentor was stressful.

The Spideykid in question was staring around the interior with interest, his body radiating curiosity as he spun a 360 to check it out. “Nice! How’d you know about this place?”

“It’s called good intel,” Wade replied loftily. Which, in this case, had been a call to Weasel. He was actually thinking about buying the building. The structure was solid and he could use another safe house. It was big enough that he could put a firing range in, knife and archery targets, build some real obstacles and a training floor for the kid...and maybe possibly he was getting carried away. Anyhoo...

“Okay, first thing.” He bit back a grin as Peter instinctively straightened into a quasi military stance.

_{He’s so cute!} _

_[Disgustingly so.] _

“Have you had any formal training? Aikido at the Y? Maybe some boxing? What’ve you had?”

“Oh, uhm, I’ve watched some YouTube videos.”

Wade stared at him. “YouTube videos.”

_[Ugh, kids these days.] _

_{Hey, there’s a lot of good info out there!} _

Wade just shook his head. Yes, YouTube was great but when it came to combat absolutely nothing took the place of hands on training. 

“Well, what about the Avengers. You hang with them, right? Did any of them ever give you lessons?”

“Uh, well, I don’t really _ hang out _ with them. Once in awhile we end up fighting the same big bads. And Mr. Stark says to not get in trouble and he gave me Happy’s number in case I need anything and Happy’s really cool.”

Wade shook his head. Wow, he didn’t know who Happy was but...fucking Avengers for the fail. “Okay, Spideykid, I know you’re fast and strong and agile as fuck and that’s a great head start but it doesn’t take the place of real training.” The kid opened his mouth and Wade held up a hand to ward off the objection. “_Especially _ when you end up against enhanced baddies.”

Peter paused, closed his mouth, and reluctantly nodded and Wade figured he was flashing back to Douchefuck guy and the night he’d been tortured by the now dead psychopath. 

“All right, I want to assess your natural talents. I’m going to try to catch you. You try to get away. No rules except no webs yet. If I get you in a full hold that you can’t escape it ends. You can tap out to give up or,” Wade smirked, “you can just say ‘Deadpool rules.’ Later we’ll flip it around and you can try to capture me. Don’t worry about using your full strength on me. I’ll heal. ”

Wade could see the mulish expression even underneath the mask. “Kid, I’ll heal.” He had told Peter he was unkillable but Spideykid probably wouldn’t really believe it ‘til he saw it and Wade hadn’t traumatized him with his dead body yet. Come to think, he actually should do it in a controlled environment so Peter didn’t freeze when it inevitably happened in the field.

[_When did you become so responsible?] _

_ {Yeah, it’s just...weird.} _

“And I’m sure as fuck not holding back,” he added to Peter. Okay, he was totally fucking going to hold back because in his case no holding back meant killing everything that moved but the kid didn’t need to know that. “You don’t give this your all and you could get hurt.”

Peter scoffed. “You wouldn’t ever hurt me.”

Wade tilted his head to study the kid. “Excuse you?”

“C’mon, Wade, my Spider sense tells me when I’m in danger and it doesn’t go off around you. I know you’d never hurt me.”

Wade narrowed his eyes. “Hmm,” he mentally focused on Peter, envisioning him as one of his targets. “How about now?”

“Nope.” The brat sounded smug about it.

Okayyyy_, Yellow? _

_ {What? Oh, uhhhh...nope, he’s just too cute.} _

Shit. _ White? _

_ [...] _

Spideykid flinched. “Uhh, what are you doing?”

“Nothing, why do you ask?” Wade asked innocently. 

“It’s just...suddenly my senses are...Wade? Wade?”

Wade narrowed his eyes. “Go."

**********************

  
Peter felt the adrenaline spiking and, for the first time ever in Wade’s presence, his Spidey sense was going off as he eluded his pursuer in the best game of tag _ ever_. The warning wasn’t serious—not a ‘this guy is out to smash you into Spider splat’ buzzing—just a light tingle, but it was enough for him to realize Wade was taking this seriously. 

And Peter was too...he was, but this was also so much freaking _ fun_. He could use his powers full out to challenge himself against an opponent who wasn’t actually trying to kill him. Even without his webs, Peter could take advantage of wall climbing and flinging himself around the various areas of the room. He’d thought it would actually be pretty easy to evade the bigger man but Wade was crazy fast for his size and there had already been a couple of close calls before Peter’s edge in agility and ability to stick to things helped him escape. 

Peter didn’t know the full extent of the other man’s powers and he _ was not _ going to use his full strength and hurt Wade even though the other man swore he could heal anything. 

On the other hand, Peter grinned, he wasn’t planning to let Wade win. 

Let’s see...he crawled stealthily along the side of the column that stretched from the ceiling to the floor. Now where was...the flash of spidey sense was all the warning he had when something came flying at him and, with a yelp, he jumped the other way realizing too late that the thrown object had been meant as a diversion and he’d just jumped directly in the path of…

Oh, shit.

Suddenly he was tackled to the floor and before Peter could spring away he was in some kind of hold that wasn’t giving him any leverage...he scrabbled, trying to find purchase, trying to find something to push against but, Peter realized he couldn’t get out of Wade’s grip even as he bucked and started using his full strength in earnest but he couldn’t reach—the arm at his throat tightened in warning, cutting his airflow for a brief second before backing off. 

“Give?”

Peter bucked and squirmed, furiously renewing his struggle and got another warning press of arm against throat.

“I can do this all day, Spideykid. Give?”

Peter slumped. “Okay, okay. Deadpool rules.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I think this may be the first time ever I'm simultaneously posting and writing two fics which feels really weird because they are so different from each other, lol. For those interested in the final chapter of my Mobster fic it should be up on Sunday.
> 
> I just adore these two :)
> 
> Thank you so much and let me know if you enjoy!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Annnddd, what have we learned?”
> 
> “Leverage is important,” Peter repeated dutifully. Which, hey, he’d known because duh...science, but Peter had to admit the practical demonstration had been compelling. And...practical.
> 
> “Yes! Excellent my young protégé.” Wade was sporting black horn rimmed glasses perched over his mask and had produced a rolling white board from somewhere with several stick figure drawings of people in different holds. In each drawing one of the figures was inked in blue and red, the other in different colors and stick shapes that appeared to represent villains from Peter’s past...yeah, that green one with wings was definitely the Vulture. In all of them Peter was triumphant. 
> 
> He surreptitiously took a pic of it with his phone because it was all kinds of awesome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes so, this story started out entirely fluffy and then in chapter two insisted on a totally unexpected boomerang to angsty with a return to fluff at the end. *head thunk* I did not mean to do that.
> 
> Also, this chapter ended up twice as long as the first *blinks*. I should work on balance.

“Annnddd, what have we learned?”

“Leverage is important,” Peter repeated dutifully. Which, hey, he’d known because duh...science, but Peter had to admit the practical demonstration had been compelling. And...practical.

“Yes! Excellent my young protégé.” Wade was sporting black horn rimmed glasses perched over his mask and had produced a rolling white board from somewhere with several stick figure drawings of people in different holds. In each drawing one of the figures was inked in blue and red, the other in different colors and stick shapes that appeared to represent villains from Peter’s past...yeah, that green one with wings was definitely the Vulture. In all of them Peter was triumphant. 

He surreptitiously took a pic of it with his phone because it was all kinds of awesome.

“All righty then, we will be practicing the shit out of these moves so that if you end up in close combat you can take someone with enhanced strength down and, more important, get the fuck away from them if you need to.”

“Nice, I mean, seriously, Wade, thanks.” Peter was realizing how important this really was. He hadn’t liked being helpless in Wade’s hold but he’d known he wasn’t in any danger. The thought of being helpless again with a real bad guy…

“Aww, sure thing my Spideymunchkin.”

Wade put his pointer down. “Now, before we move on to round two where you try, and then obviously fail, to catch me I need to show you something.”

Oh, nice. Maybe it would be one of the moves on the board. And he was totally going to catch Wade. Totally.

Peter blinked when, instead, Wade pulled a gun from its holster, pointing it down and to the side.

“So, Peter…”

“Yes?” Peter eyed the gun warily.

“You realize I really can’t be killed, right? I mean, you’ve _ seen _how quick I heal.”

Peter shook his head. Yes, he had seen Wade heal. He was way quicker at it than Peter but immortal? “Wade, I know you said that but…”

Wade shook his head back at him. “Kid, believe me, I _can’t_ be killed. I’ve died every which way I can. Beaten, blown up, shot, stabbed, drowned, dismembered, blah blah blah. I. Don’t. Die.” He shrugged. “Annnnd, well, I guess there’s only one way I can really convince you of that.” 

He raised the gun. 

Peter’s eyes widened. 

“Wade, what…”

“It’s okay, Spideykid, I realize this might weird you out but I promise I’m going to be fine. I _ promise._”

Peter realized Wade’s intent too late, sprang forward as the other man raised the gun to press it against his temple—_stop him, save him, nononono, “No!_”—the harsh bang sliced through Peter’s enhanced senses as he heard himself scream, as Wade fell into his arms, a puppet with its strings cut. 

“_Wade! WADE_!” 

Peter slid to the floor, cradling the man’s limp head in his lap, tugging Wade’s mask off, desperately checking to see if, somehow, maybe Wade wasn’t—_don’t be, don’t be, please don’t be._..but the lifeless eyes gave proof of what Peter had known the instant Wade collapsed. 

“Wade.” Peter gasped it out, pulled his own mask off, choking because he couldn’t breath, couldn’t...please not again, not again, _NOT AGAIN_. Uncle Ben in his arms, life draining away while Peter did nothing, blood pooling, spreading around them. Wade’s lifeless body in his arms because he’d failed again—_this was his fault_—and Peter had let Wade die.

Peter barely felt the body in his arms jerk to life through his own violent shaking. Didn’t register what it meant as Wade’s face twitched and his unfocused eyes blinked. But Peter felt his heart race, felt his system jolt when he heard, “Oh, heyyy, Shpidey don’ cry…”, watched in dazed awe as the bullet slowly ejected itself from Wade’s head, plinking to the floor as the wound closed up, nice and tidy. 

Peter stared at the ejected bullet, stared down at Wade who, full alertness creeping back into his expression, grinned. “See? I told you Spideykid, nothing can kill me.”

Wade’s voice sounded cheerful. Cheerful.

Raw fury flash fired through Peter as he sprang back, dumping Wade’s head on the concrete floor where it bounced with an audible thunk. 

“You _ asshole_!”

“Ow,” the other man complained, propping himself up. “The fuck, kid?”

Peter scrubbed furiously at the tears on his face, vibrating with rage because Wade...Wade... 

“You _ ASSHOLE_!”

Wade hauled himself up to standing, wobbling as his healing worked to fix the last of his fine motor controls. 

_ [Uhm, Spideykid doesn’t seem to be handling this well.] _

_{Yeah, he looks dangerous.}_ Yellow sounded impressed.

Well, one thing was for fucking sure. Spideykid was overreacting. Yes, he’d died a _little_ but he’d come back which had been the whole fucking point of this happy death day demonstration.

Wade approached Peter slowly, hands held out in a soothing gesture because the kid still looked mega freaked. “Hey, Spideykid, Peter, calm down, it’s like I told you…I totally, for reals can’t d…”

The punch sent him flying across the room, flight path ended by an abrupt meeting with a wall. 

A freakin’ hard wall. 

As Wade crashed down to the floor he automatically started damage assessment—concussion, couple broken bones, crunched vertebrae, anything less already almost healed—it would take about two minutes, tops, before he was back at 100 percent. 

_ [Guess Spideykid believes you now.] _

_ {Wow, Spideykid is _ really _ strong. I’m like, swooning...fuck, I mean, I approve as a mentor would.} _

Fuckin’ _ yeah_, Spideykid was strong. He was also running away? Wade staggered up and saw the flash of webbing, saw Peter swing away up into the rafters, swing through an open window and... “Hey, Spidey, Peter...wait!” 

But he was gone.

Wade stood in the empty warehouse, baffled.

“Well, that went well.”

{_No?_}

  


Wade finally spotted Peter after checking the fourth hangout spot he could think of. The kid was sitting on the edge of the rooftop, mask held in his hands, feet swinging over the sides, hunched over himself. 

{_Aww, he looks sad.} _

_ [Which is the screwup’s fault. Did he really think _he _could be a mentor?] _

Apparently hell to the no.

Wade approached Peter slowly, not sure if the kid would just swing away again at the sight of him.

“Hey, Spideykid.” 

“Hey.”

Okay, good sign. No fleeing from the asshole on his left.

Wade approached him and sidled over, sitting down on the ledge next to the boy.

“Sooo,” Wade started…

Peter turned to him, face pale. “Wade, I’m...I’m so sorry.”

Wait, what? “Uhm, kid, I don’t think you’re the one who needs to apologize here.”

Peter shook his head and hunched over himself again. “I hurt you.”

“Uhm, so? I believe the whole point of the ‘demonstration that went horribly wrong’ was to prove to you that I can’t be killed?”

Peter huffed out a choked laugh. “And that means you can’t be hurt?”

“I just told you I…”

He turned back to stare at Wade. “Did it _ hurt_?”

Wade shrugged. “Look, I hurt all the time, Petey. That’s just my life.”

Peter closed his eyes as if Wade’s statement had hurt _ him_. “I _ hurt _ you, Wade. I lost control and I caused you pain. I’m your friend and I _ hurt _ you and…”

“And I apparently traumatized the fuck out of you by recreating your worst memory,” Wade retorted, weirded out by the way this conversation was going because...Peter shouldn’t be apologizing to _ him_. What the fuck? “I think I win in the asshole, bad friend, award category.” And he didn’t think Peter had lost control, actually. Spideykid had been furious and hurt and had known Wade could take it so he’d let loose. Wade thought that was actually healthy but fuck if he was one to judge.

_ [You...might actually have a point there.] _

_ {Wait. Did you two just agree on something? Nah, never mind I’m hallucinating.} _

_ [You do realize _you’re _a hallucination?] _

_{Hurtful.}_

Spideykid was staring at him. “How…”

“Uhm, well,” Wade grinned without humour. “I might have called hot Aunt May when I couldn’t find you at the first two roofs I checked. I told her what happened.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” Wade shook his head, impressed. “Damn, your hot aunt is creative. I actually learned some new cuss words.”

_{I took notes.}_

_[...me too.]_

And _ after _ she’d finished cussing the shit out of him, after Wade figured that was the end of the short, weird, inevitably doomed phase of his life being an adopted Parker, May had somehow—freaky Italian mind reader that she was—known and yelled at him even more about _ that_, concluding with how he’d better be at fucking Sunday supper or she would be _ really _ pissed. And then she’d hung up on him.

Fucking Parkers.

“Look, Petey, I didn’t know your Uncle died like that. I didn’t mean to…”

Peter hunched over again. “You didn’t know. You didn’t. It’s not your fault.”

Wade just looked at Peter helplessly. Because this kid was too ridiculously good. “Well, can we call it evens then? I accidentally bring up traumatic memories of your uncle’s death by shooting myself and you hit me, like...a little?”

Peter remained hunched over.

“Kid? Peter?”

“I should have saved him, Wade.”

“Oh, fuck that.”

Peter swung around to glare at him. “You weren’t there! You...Wade I should have saved him!”

“Uh huh. Because you’re God? Because you’re all knowing, all wise, all seeing? _ Fuck that._ You’re just a person.”

“No! I have these powers! I…”

“Do your powers include omnipotence?”

“No, but…”

“Do your powers include precognition?”

“No! But…”

“Were you supposed to follow your Uncle around 24/7 to make sure nothing bad happened to him? Just spend all day every day, tailing one guy and ignore the rest of the people that might need saving?”

“No, of course not but…”

“I dunno, Spideykid. Seems like we’ve established you can’t stop everything bad. It sucks. But sometimes Death is just going to have her frisky way with us. So stop with the wallowing in guilt.”

[Yeah, the author thinks it’s cliched.]

“Wade, I…” Peter stared at him helplessly. “You don’t understand.”

Wade shrugged. “You’re right. My old man was a massive stainless steel dickhead and, my Uncle? Was _ worse _ than a massive stainless steel dickhead. So you’re right, kid. I don’t understand what it’s like to have what you had and lose it."--And he was _not_ thinking about Nessa. He just fuckin' was not going there right now.--"And that sucks. But your Uncle Ben. He seems like he was a pretty cool dude?”

“He was...he was the best.”

“So there’s no fuckin’ _ way _he’d have expected you to save him, that he would have put that on your cute little shoulders. In fact I’m betting he’d be seriously pissed to know you’re carrying around a metric fuckton of uncalled for guilt.”

Wade watched Peter’s mulish expression. Okay, time to take steps.

“So, did your Uncle have any interesting habits?”

“What?”

“You know, did he...gamble?”

“No.”

“Was he a crossdresser? Did he like silk panties?”

“No! I mean...I don’t think, dude, I don’t want to think about my uncle’s underwear!”

“Did he and hot Aunt May have any fun sexual fetishes? Leather, whips, ball gags…”

“Dude! Gross! What is _ wrong _with you?”

Sadness and heroic guilt were being replaced by teenage outrage.

“Don’t judge, Spideykid. Old people get to have sexytimes too. Uh, did your Uncle like the Red Sox?”

“Wow. Just...wow.”

“Did your Uncle macrame?”

“You are so weird.”

“Did your Uncle know every line to Monty Python's The Holy Grail? That would be pretty cool actually.”

Peter had completely unhunched by this point, sadness replaced by teenage eye rolling.

Mission accomplished.

_[Not...bad.]_

“So, did your Uncle…”

** **

*************************

** **

Later…

“Okay, kid, whoot! Rematch time!”

“Prepare to go down, DP! Prepare to go down!”

…

*scuffle*

*scuffle*

“Aww, man! Ugh, Deadpool rules.”

**************************

** **

“Okay! Try move number seven this time and...go!”

** **

…

** **

*scuffle*

*scuffle*

“Move number seven sucks!”

“That almost sounds like…”

“Fine! Deadpool rules!”

“Hmmm, maybe you should’ve tried move number five.”

** **

********************

“Okay, kid. It’s been a month. I believe in you, Dumbo. Fly!”

** **

…

** **

*scuffle*

*scuffle*

“Dammit! Deapool rules! Shit!”

“Language, Spideykid!”

“Wow, you have no grounds there, Wade. None.”

** **

*******************

** **

“Okay! Two month anniversary! I’ve got a great feeling about this one!”

“Okay, focus, Parker, focus…”

** **

...

** **

*scuffle*

*scuffle*

“Deadpool sucks!”

“What was that, Spideykid?”

“Deadpool su…”

*gurgling sounds*

“Yes? What was that?”

“Agh, okay, fine! Deadpool rules!”

** **

***************************

“Coming up on three months, Spideykid! Let’s see what you got!”

“Ooh, look at you, Petey Pie, all serious and steely eye..._ shut up, Yellow!_”

...

** **

*scuffle*

*scuffle*

“Holy shit! Spideykid rules!”

“Yes! Yesyesyesyesyes!”

“Nice one, Spideykid!”

“Yesyesyesyesyes!”

“Uh, I tapped out. That means you can...let me...ackgh, breathe...now.”

“Yesyesyesyesyes! Oh, shit! Sorry! Sorry!””

** **

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as mentioned in the beginning notes this fic was supposed to be totally fluffy and then insisted on a sideways boomerang into angst. Whoops? Really interested to see what people think. 
> 
> Thank you!


End file.
